Some of my favorite Law Professor quotes
Law professors don’t only teach you the law. They’re also incredibly amusing. Here are some of my favorite class memories from the semester.
Property
On how important consulting your lawyer is - “You don’t want people getting out of bed without checking with us first.”
(talking about a red herring fact on the practice exam) So that fact was just to trick you into talking about a possible negative easement…..wait, not “trick.” I meant “entice.”
Student: “Could you give us that extra half-hour [on the exam]. We’re supposed to have four hours but you’re only giving us three and a half. How can you do that as an honest Christian woman?”)
Professor:“Yes, but even the Lord has righteous indignation!”
Civil Procedure
When the Court says “we must” – that means “we flipped a coin.” Of course, when a court says “it seems axiomatic” it means “this is really controversial and we are shoving it down your throat”
The best kinds of cases for a lawyer are those between two rich guys who hate each other. Money is no object and there’s no moral component whatsoever.
[After a student laughed a little too much about the professor's joke] Talk about easily amused. I’m going to rent you out to stand up comics so you can laugh at their acts.
Professor: What principle applies here?
Student: Res ipsa?
Professor: No, respondiat superior. but you got the first three letters right.
Professor: Extra for experts – Rule 19 parties are governed by which rule?
[silence…everyone thinking, then finally someone says “rule 19?]
Professor: Yeah! Whadja think I was gonna say? Rule 71 b? I think I’m gonna put this on the exam in a 90-minute essay. “The joinder of Rule 19 parties is governed by which rule? Discuss. Talk amongst yourselves.”
There are some people who think class actions are the work of the devil. They are inspired and managed by Satan himself.
And who was Reyno? Right, she was the administratrix of the estate. ‘Administratrix…’ sounds like something you’d find in a dirty movie.’
Doctors’ mistakes, they just die…but architects’ mistakes live on forever.
Cat’s out of the bag, toothpaste is out of the tube, and you cant put cats and paste back into the bag and tube, respectively.
What is this about being “in a relationship?” I’m not in a relationship, I’m just married. I do what I’m told and keep my mouth shut.
[talking about motions like directed verdicts] If something weird happens in your favor get out of the courtroom as fast as possible. Forget about your papers and bag and everything, just go! Cuz once people start talking, they change their minds. I learned that from a lawyer in NC. After a motion, I saw him running out of the courtroom and I asked him, “Are you running to the bathroom?” and he said, “Nope, something weird happened in my favor so I’m getting out of here.” (everyone is cracking up) Stop laughing, thats probably the most important piece of advice I’ve ever given you.
What you’re saying to a judge on a JNOV motion - “Judge, you were a spineless weasel.”
And the standard is a scintilla of evidence; I don’t want to see anything on the exam about chinchillas of evidence.
On depositions: “Most lawyers like to bring a fork to stick it in their eye every now and then”
“Members of the jury, I show you a picture you’ve never seen before.” (no one laughs). If you knew more about law, that would be funny.
Class actions are very sexy. You wanna talk about them where happenin’ lawyers gather.
[Speaking about Amoco v. Torcomian 722 F.2d 1099] Every time I look at this case I think of them as the “Flying Torcomians”. It sounds like they’re a circus act. I imagine them with little caps swinging around the gas station.
I think weasels have a bad rap. they’re nice animals. So are otters. I spent a lot of time in my youth with otters, they’re very nice. Except when they bite your ears when you’re swimming.
Preliminary injunctions are, as the name suggests, preliminary. Any questions?
[Deciding what term to use to explain res judicata] If you’re doing this in trial, start out with preclusion, but if people start laughing try one of the other ones.
[Professor makes a statement, then asks if student understands. Student nods head.] You’re giving me that ‘Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about’ nod.”
Friday after Thanksgiving…let’s go forum shopping!
Of course, when you mention the Blonder-Tongue case, inquiring minds want to know, “blonder than what?”
Torts
[To a student who gave a partly correct answer] “A plastic star for you”
[Professor makes a point. Student raises his hand]
Professor: “Do you agree with me?”
Student: “Yes”
Professor: “Okay, go ahead”
[Male student answers a hard question properly]
(male) Professor: I LOVE YOU!
Student: “Umm….”
Professor: I was listening to Marty Robbins, does anyone know him? (Student raises hand) Are you a fan?
Student: My dad is.
Professor: “Ohh…that’s cruel”
[almost to himself] “I wish I had my executioner’s axe.”
[discussing a case where a mother is afraid she will get AIDS]
Student: “One of the kids may still be breastfeeding, and if the mom dies, he would be dead too.”
Torts Professor: “I rescind my invitation for you to express your opinion.”
Professor: How severe could the harm be?
Student: Well, he died, so it was pretty severe.
Professor: Well you don’t have to be sassy.
It’s in the book, but apparently it didn’t make it from the printed page into the minds of students.
I’m trying to keep you safe from intentional tortfeasors who lurk in parking lots!
[Talking about shotguns] Texas is kind of liberal on this subject. You can shoot anybody if you feel sort of uneasy about something.