Absence, Reality, and all that Jazz (No, I don’t have time).
Everyone else seems to understand things better. Everyone else seems to have more time, or at least better time management. Everyone else seems to have things so under control. Am I the only one who doesn’t get it?
(I have these thoughts at least once a day. But you probably don’t, because you probably get it.)
It amazes me when people say to me, in casual conversation, that I seem to have things figured out because I always make such insightful comments in class, or because I just seem calm. They’ll say it in a tone of awe, respect, or sometimes jealousy. Truth? I just happened to read and understand that particular case or I just happened to listen to enough of class that day to say something mildly intelligent. I really don’t understand what’s going on any more than you do. Especially Torts.
Why do we think that everyone else is better off than we are? Is it that we’re so self-centered that no one else’s problems occur to us? On the other hand, why do we pretend that we understand things better than we really do? Self-preservation? Trying not to embarrass ourselves, trying to keep up with our friends who present an image of comprehension? (Is that real…in which case I’m more scared…or is it as fake as mine…in which case I feel closer to them). It’s like we’re birds, puffing up our chests as far out as they’ll go. Really, none of us understand our world all that well. (None of us really know what is going on in Torts or Property). We’re all pretty frail, like birds, and it takes us time to become secure. It doesn’t come immediately. We all know this.
All well and good now, right? Easy to say, easy to believe now. But when I’ve got that stupid casebook in front me and I’ve read the same stupid case twice and looked it up on WestLaw and I’m still not really sure what’s going on and I still have 10 other cases to read, I forget this.
On a deeper level, though….how often do we really take interest in each other? When we ask a friend, even someone as close as a parent or a spouse, “how are you?”…how often do we mean…”Really, how are you? Are you happy? Are you satisfied with where you are right now? Does the world seem as daunting to you as it does to me?” But this level of depth might interfere with our self-centered self-preservation. We might actually have to feel uncomfortable for a second because we’ve breached that barrier. It’s just easier to ask quickly, answer quickly, and move on to something else. Like studying for Property.
We’re absent. We are absent from ourselves and from each other. I’m not sure which one starts the process, but it is a vicious cycle either way. It’s easier sometimes to not think, to be procedural, to follow rules and get through your day. If I’m lucky, I get a few moments before I sleep to just let it all sink in as I sink into my pillow….to let my body relax, to breathe. Wake up in a few hours and start all over.
They warned us about this at orientation.
Well. Just know that you’re not the only one. And I guess I’m not either.
Phew.
November 1st, 2007 at 11:57 pm
well, darcy might call it false modesty, if you recall his conversation with bingley on a similar matter…
and what is that photo, half the glass half full/empty? 
please, tell me to get off the net and write my freakin article. it’s already 1 am…
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:47 am
Hi, Taiyyaba. I definitely fall prey to the whole thinking-everyone-else-has-it thing. It’s true, we sometimes forget that sometimes the key to not feeling alienated is to make sure the people around you don’t feel alienated. Community starts with the individual. It’s not about fitting in either–but more, feeling comfortable enough with yourself to be different if you are different.
I appreciate your insight about this. I’m sure I’ll see you running around like mad tomorrow, inshaaAllah. Maybe I’ll just leave it at a quick wave, haha. It’s always a comfort to see you in the halls of the law school, even if it’s way across the way and you don’t see me–hmm, promise I’m not stalking you, ha. I hope things settle down for you soon–I’m amazed at all you take on. May God reward you for all of your devoted efforts.
love,
Natasha
November 10th, 2007 at 10:23 am
I know I am late and perhaps not clearly a student, but that does not mean I have no memories of my ‘good old days’ (In fact , you know I am to leave for Pakistan soon after your ‘rukhsati’ to celebrate our golden anniversary of graduation (In the mean time my college has been updated to become a medical university).
Coming back to your subliminal frustration or hypoconfusion about the peers, I am with Ayesha as I too remember that happening in my college years (believe it or not).
darcy!!! hun. I still enjoy that one
Best wishes and you know I’ll pray for you (both) always for all the khair.