On Turning 20
Any of my friends can attest to the fact that I’ve been nervous, to say the least, about turning 20. For at least a few months I’ve been going on and on about how I feel so old. On that note, Sumreen actually got me a card with one of those jokes about how many candles are on my cake.
It’s not the number that bothers me. 20.
It’s the implication…..
What does 20 mean? What does it say about where I am in my life right now…where I want to be…where I will be (InshAllah)? What is 20? It’s not that I’m two decades old….it’s that I have to start stepping into a very serious portion of my life. Life is starting to take shape in various spheres.
Before, perhaps, my teenage self could look with mature anticipation at what I expected out of life. But since all those possibilities started staring me back in the face, it was nervewracking, to say the least. Now that I’m 20 - what’s next? Where am I going to be an a year? Two years? Five years? What am I going to be doing? Where am I going to be living? I don’t have, nor do I expect, all the answers for these now, but whereas before I used to ask the questions of myself (prematurely of some of my colleagues), now these questions are asking me what to do….
Remember back in high school, when you just couldn’t wait to graduate. But then as senior year came to a close, you realized how insane your life was about to get? You started to miss what you were about to leave behind, even though you were excited and optimistic about what was to come? Well…it’s even bigger now.
So I was a bit apprehensive. I turned to the only place I know to turn when I get nervous about anything. I had some pretty serious conversations with Him. (Try talking as you make dua….as if you’re having a conversation…it changes your perspective dramatically) At the time, I felt as if they were rather one-sided; obviously there was no Heavenly Voice responding from the clouds to my murmurs. As my birthday was approaching, I was getting more and more nervous. Confused.
Why do I always seem to forget that there is some kind of cosmic plan? Darn the everyday. It’s like quicksand. Haha…..silly human. I should’ve known better.
I went to sleep on the 6th in good spirits, having recieved well-wishes from some of my favorite people. I was still a bit nervous as I drifted off….
I should’ve known better.
It was as if, during the night, Allah melted away all the fears, all the mystery, all the apprehensions. On the morning of my birthday, I felt as if I had been dipped into sukoon, renewed now and ready to face the world. It was as if Allah was subtly reminding me of His mercy and compassion, reassuring me that He would take care of it all, encouraging me to try my best, follow His guidance and have faith in Him, and leave the rest up to Him.
What a beautiful gift. Sukoon.
Tawakkaltu 3la Allah. May I never forget.
So my lesson, upon turning 20.
Listen to Allah when He talks to you.